In the summer of 2010 I was about 13. As a 13 year old I was curious. I’m normally a curious person, about pretty much anything and everything. On this particular August night I made the choice to drink, not the smartest of choices, but looking back it was less of a choice and more of a decision. The night is a complete fog; all I remember is waking up with a huge bandage on my leg. I felt dizzy, so I tumbled into the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. I felt a sharp pain where the bandage was. I truly did not know what was under that white gauze pad. I slowly peeled it to the point as to where I could see the purpose of its presence. There was a cut about 3 inches deep and a good amount of skin missing. I was terrified. It looked as if I had been mauled by a pit-bull. I noticed there was blood on my shorts, so being as compulsive as I am, I bleached them and put them into the washing machine. I walked downstairs; my dad was sitting on the couch. I asked him what happened, he told me in my own attempt to walk down the porch stairs I fell on an already cracked milk bottle. A little later, I found myself thinking back to the night before; I had a horrible head ache and felt as if I was going to vomit. Disgusting? I know. My brother helped me all through the night. He told me he slept on the flow next to me because he didn’t want me to get hurt. I will never forget what he said, nor will I forget that night. I have a scar on my leg shaped like a heart to remind me every day. I don’t think of this as unlucky, I don’t think of it as a mistake, and I don’t think of it as misfortune. I think of this time period as a life lesson. I learned a couple different things. The legal age limit for drinking is set as 21 for a good reason. Some people, especially kids do not understand the power or addiction to liquor, but they don’t need to understand, because it’s not made for us. It doesn’t make you cool, you don’t have a better time from alcohol, you don’t become invisible either, and it makes you stupid. Stupid in the sense that, it affects your proper decision making. You don’t think of the repercussions of your actions, you don’t think of the consequences, and you certainly don’t think of what it does to your body, or the toll it takes on specifically your under developed liver. I made a mistake, but I learned that no matter whose party I go to, or how many of my friends are drinking, alcohol is simply something I don’t need or want. I can still have fun without it, and you know I’m glad I learned that rather than getting behind a wheel or doing something even more stupid. (517 words)
1. You have some really good, descriptive words.
ReplyDelete2. Did your dad allow you to drink at home or were you at a party?
3. Try and have more than one paragraph next time.
Emily, I really liked how you talked about the lesson you learned from your decision. You used a lot of great descriptive words, which shows that you are a really good writer!
ReplyDeleteDo your parents think of you as stronger and more mature from this experience? Because you sound like you learned a lot, which is really good!
Also, you have one big paragraph. But if you break up your information into littler paragraphs it gets your point across better and you can elaborate more on main ideas.
1. I found this very interesting and you described the situation and results well.
ReplyDelete2. How long did it take for the cut to heal?
3. I dont't think you need a comma at the end of the first line. In one of the sentences when you used "in my attempt" ... I think it would make more sense if you just took out those words and instead just put I attempted? In another sentences when you were talking about your brother staying with you, you said flow I think you meant floor?
Emily, I really like your entry. It is a good essay for others to read because underage drinking is a problem in our society right now. It is good that you learned from this experience. Did you tell ur brother not to drink as well so that he would learn from your experience? Also I think that you meant to write floor instead of flow, but other than that it was very good.
ReplyDeleteYour classmates have made some good comments and suggestions--you should take their advice. I will abstain from making any sort of commentary on this behavior, mostly because you can predict what I'll say, and because you seem to have learned something from the experience. I'll keep my comments writing related.
ReplyDelete1. Use paragraphs. Readers are daunted by large blocks of text they find visually unappealing.
2. Avoid "talk writing". Here's an example: "Stupid in the sense that, it affects your proper decision making." That's a sentence that works much better in speech than in writing. "Drinking limits your ability to make good decisions" is simpler and more communicative.
3. Try to avoid using "you", even in a semiformal writing exercise like this one. Often, when you write "you" you mean "me". Remember that you are writing about your own memories and experiences--don't project your experience onto another. I know that concept may be confusing and hard to enact in your writing, but all you need to do is try and it will eventually get easier.
4. Thank you for sharing something so personal in the first blog, but don't feel the need to make all your entries so serious. Don't be afraid to try something more lighthearted.